As a note, I debated some about whether to share this, as I don't want it to come across the wrong way. I am not complaining, and don't want to sound ungrateful. I know there are many couples, even some very near to my heart, who are unable to conceive even one baby of their own or who conceive and cannot seem to carry their babies to term, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult and heart wrenching that much be. So please know what I've written doesn't come from a heart of ingratitude. I just wanted to share what's on my heart, in hopes of being real and perhaps encouraging some.
So that said, I have a confession. Motherhood has taught me so many lessons in patience, but the past few months, I have been learning a whole new sort of lesson in patience; that is, waiting to be a mother again. I have been struggling with waiting for the Lord to open my womb. It's something I've never experienced before, because I got pregnant with Katie just a few short weeks after our wedding. As most of you probably know, Ben and I are quiver-fully minded. That means we are planning to have as many children as the Lord will give us and we don't ever plan to prevent pregnancy. I guess since I got pregnant so quickly with Katie, I have always assumed I would get pregnant quickly for the entirety of my childbearing years.
I am still breastfeeding Katie four to five times per day, and I suspect that is part of what is keeping me from getting pregnant, but every month when "that time" rolls around, I start to get a little excited, and feel a slight disappointment when I find out there's not a sweet baby in my womb. I have toyed around with weaning, but for several reasons, I don't think that is the best option for us right now.
But, this mama's heart is still longing to have a positive pregnancy test, feel the sweet flutter of a growing baby in my womb, enjoy a cute, round pregnant belly (yes, I *loved* having a baby belly), and to finally hold a sweet newborn of my very own in my arms again. So, as I wait, the Lord continues to teach me a lesson in patience and trusting in Him that I've never learned before. It's easy for me to say we are trusting Him with our family size, but I am learning that I still have so.much to learn. As Scripture says, He is the One Who opens and closes the womb, and He is the Creator of life. And, even if He has ordained to never open my womb again, I am so very thankful for the precious daughter the Lord has given us. Even one sweet baby is more than we deserve!
So, while I'd love to be pregnant, I am thankful for a chance to be taught a lesson in patience and trusting by a gracious, sovereign, and loving Heavenly Father. What a blessing and joy to know He orchestrates everything in our lives for our good and His glory!
Photo by Per Ola Wilburg.
First, I want to say that I enjoy your blog, and though I'm not sure I have ever commented, I have enjoyed your writing grow as you grow as a mother.
ReplyDeleteI assumed that I would not have any trouble getting pregnant because it had been very easy for my mother. Nope. We were married seven years before God gave us our first miracle. I then assumed that because the first one took a long time to conceive, we would have equal difficulty conceiving again. Nope! When my daughter was five months old, I found out I was expecting my second! This was certainly not my plan, and I had been perfectly content with the one child, but He knows what is best.
Enjoy your precious Katie. (I know you do!) I wish I had been able to spend more time alone with my first. :)
Dear Mary Jo... You have many years left since you started at a young age. My Grandmother had eight children, and they were all two or more years apart:) I suspect she was nursing each one for at least a year, and she didn't get married until she was 21. Little Katie will be a great little helper to you when her little brother or sister arrives. The Lord will decide when the time is right for the little one to come. He's the perfect family planner. Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteAwww...I was only nursing each of our boys once per night at bedtime when we were expecting to get pregnant again...but I had to wean both of them completely before I ever ovulated. And I had gotten my cycle back at 8 months and 6 months post-partum, respectively. I figured that God knew my body would get pretty tired trying to nourish one child while growing a new one in my womb. Though I adore both my boys and think 26 months apart it just about "perfect" spacing, I now regret that I weaned both of them just because I was so anxious to get pregnant. If I had it to do over again, I may have nursed a little longer to see if they weaned themselves (I weaned them both at 17-18 months). Those are precious moments I won't get back again.
ReplyDeleteI so understand where you are coming from. We have four children and feel incredibly blessed and yet still hunger for more - or rather, we are open to the Lord's will, and hope his plan includes more children.
ReplyDeleteTo our joy, our first three came so quickly - 3 in 37 months, that the 3 1/2 year space between our third and fourth was a surprise. There was also heartache with three lost babies (early on in my pregnancies) and my husband, children and I pray for them each night. We were so excited when our dear Jane came along (born just 6 1/2 months ago.
In retrospect the timing was, of course, perfect because it was done in the Lord's time. Our three biggies are wonderful with their baby sister and I have the gift of watching my littest daughter grow not only blessed by the love of God, but by that of her siblings - and of course her mom and dad.
Already we are talking about another baby, we hope it is in the Lord's plan to bless us with another child by birth, but are open to adoption or fostering too.
The one thing I have learned, and most of the time remember, is to prayerfully wait on God as his time is the most perfect time in this imperfect world.